In a move no one in the galaxy saw coming (least of all the Senate he dissolved years ago), Emperor Sheev Palpatine has announced the first open elections for the office of Galactic Emperor. Voting booths will reportedly be installed on every loyal world, every Outer Rim moon, and, pending negotiations, at least one cantina on Tatooine.
“Democracy is the will of the people,” the Emperor announced from the Imperial Palace, his voice crackling with what observers described as either deep sincerity or a head cold. “And it is my will that the people choose. So I have generously narrowed their options.”
To no one’s surprise, the Emperor’s hand-picked nominee is none other than Darth Vader.
The Frontrunner: Darth Vader
Lord Vader’s campaign got off to a strong start, mostly because no one was brave enough to interrupt it. His platform is short:
- More order. Less rebellion.
- Punctual Star Destroyer arrivals.
- A galaxy-wide ban on the phrase “I have a bad feeling about this.”
When asked about his economic policy, Vader replied only with mechanical breathing, which analysts interpreted as “fiscally conservative.” His approval rating among stormtroopers is a suspicious 100%, and his approval rating among everyone standing in arm’s reach of him is, understandably, also 100%.
Critics note that running against the Emperor’s own apprentice in an election organized by the Emperor may present what political scientists call “a structural disadvantage.” The Emperor has dismissed these concerns as “unfounded” and “soon to be unfounded in a more permanent way.”
And Now… It’s Your Turn
Here’s where you come in.
The election rules, drafted, ratified, and approved by Palpatine in a single afternoon, allow for exactly one challenger to be nominated by the people of the galaxy. That challenger could be anyone. A hero of the Rebellion. A bounty hunter with nothing left to lose. A retired Jedi hiding in a swamp who absolutely does not want the job.
So we’re asking you, our readers:
Who would you nominate to run against Darth Vader?
A few names already buzzing across the HoloNet:
- Grand Admiral Thrawn: strategically brilliant, but his campaign posters are all abstract art nobody understands.
- Princess Leia Organa: wildly popular, though her acceptance speech would likely double as a declaration of war.
- Boba Fett: claims he’s “not political,” which is exactly what a candidate would say.
- Yoda: wins every debate by rearranging his sentences until the opponent gives up.
- That one astromech droid: surprisingly competent, refuses to comment.
Or maybe your pick isn’t on this list at all. Maybe it’s a smuggler with a fast ship and a loyal Wookiee. Maybe it’s you.
How to Cast Your Nomination
Drop your challenger in the comments below and tell us why they’d stand a chance against the Dark Lord of the Sith. Best argument wins galaxy-wide bragging rights and the warm satisfaction of theoretically opposing tyranny.
A few campaign tips, free of charge:
- A strong slogan helps. “Hope” tested well once. Briefly.
- Avoid any platform Vader can interpret as “lack of faith.”
- If your candidate starts Force-choking the moderator, that’s usually a sign the debate has gone poorly.
A Word of Caution
The Imperial Election Commission would like to remind all participants that voting is mandatory, anonymous, and closely monitored, and that “spoiled ballots will be dealt with accordingly.” We’re sure that means nothing ominous at all.
So go ahead. Nominate your champion. Make your case. The galaxy is watching, and so, apparently, is the Emperor.
May the odds (and possibly the Force) be ever in your favor.
Who’s getting your nomination? Sound off in the comments.
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